So much to take in, to try and distract myself from myself. I feel dysphoric here. I shouldn't, but maybe it's my cousin Nevaeh's inquisitiveness that's triggering it. She's only seven. I saw her when she was a newborn and then had nothing to do with her. I saw her when she was five, but she doesn't really remember. She asked me who I was when I finally saw my family. I gave her a hug. This might be because of my dad, but I do see myself in her. She's constantly asking questions and telling me stories. I think she just needs someone to listen to her. She's also just as shy as I was when I was that age.She has a bright mind for that age, and a lot of potential if raised properly. I wish my [first] cousin Natasha was a better mum for her. But those are her choices. I'm glad her little one is in school, at least. I read to her tonight. Aww, she started adoring me instantly.

She asked me if I was a boy, in kind of disbelief. And I think she was trying to ask about it but didn't know how to phrase it properly and shied away. I will tell her, in my own way.

I'm tired of putting energy into my transition. I just want to exist, y'know? But I need to dedicate this time to reflect on my journey.

After writing that coming out letter, I've started getting closer to my family. Most prominently, this trip in BC. I don't want to discuss my visits with my father, but it was surreal to have him call me his son for the first time. He was amongst the first to know my feelings about transition, not that he remembered for the first three years. But, yes, this letter was written in January of this year, around the one year mark of being on testosterone. Everyone who responded, did so with acceptance. August was the first time I've seen any of them for two and a half years. And this is the first time in my life, I think, that I've really reached out to them.
   My cousin Darren has been battling cancer for a few years now, and he's only a year older than me. Despite the fact that he was a little hellion when we were kids, I now have a lot of respect for him, seeing what he goes through, first hand. And he was the first to respond to the letter. I spent a lot of time at his place when I was in Prince George. When he introduced me to his girlfriend, Julia, he had this smile on his face. I think he was proud to say I'm his cousin. My aunt told me that he said he was really happy I spent time with him.
   I got to talk to Darren's mum, too. I haven't always seen eye-to-eye with her, but speaking about my life in general has given her more of an idea to who I am than anything else I've said in my life to her. And despite the fact that almost everyone on that side of the family compared me to my dad, she was the first to say it's our differences that define me. And I really needed that, because I've been terrified of becoming my dad for so long. I'm more aware of what his lifestyle is like than ever before, but now I'm also aware of what I can do to avoid that kind of fate. I think that visit in PG was necessary to overcome that obstacle. Or make it more manageable than before.- Most of my family has had slip ups in names and pronouns, but the fact that they call me Merik and use male pronouns at all astounds me. I don't think I could have asked for a better first visit with them, as myself.

Although this isn't going to be in chronological order, I'll keep it simpler and group this together as it's still about my dad's side of the family and the other will be associated with my mum's side. I got to Kelowna today. My aunt is a spitting image of a female version of me with about two and a half decades  and probably many more years of drug use over me. It's a little uncanny. She also an wered my letter quickly and with love. I know my family loves me, but it's because I've been absent that I wasn't aware of how much.

Onto my mum's side of things. I saw her best friend for a few days. I told her about my transition last December. I spent those days chatting at night and vegging during the day. We went down the river which was excellent and mostly calming. She predominately calls me my birth name and pronouns are weird, but she's getting used to it. She is fifty, after all, and has known me since birth and my mum for twenty-five years. But she sees so much of my mum in me. And it was nice, to let myself feel feminine, especially since we both got our rags on the same day. We both felt like crap and did all of nothing and there was nothing wrong with it.

I went to Vernon on August 22nd and spent a lot of time with my mum's baby brother, also named Darren, and his wife Kim. There is so much more to the connection I have with them than could be expressed in a simple blog post, but we worked through a lot of stuff. They're now in full acceptance of me. I told them in January of 2012, and they didn't think I was ready then. I guess I wasn't, but I also couldn't have proven to them then. So much work has been done on myself since then, and they see it. Kim slipped into the pronouns and name almost instantly, naturally. Darren slipped up a few times, especially when he was first back from up north.